Heavy Heart

Again it is way too early for me to be up - at least for any reasonable person. I found myself lying in bed and just looking up at the ceiling (or the stars from my bedroom window, really). I thought that this was not a good use of my time, so I've decided to get up and have some one and one time with God. Which is what I have done for the last half hour (yes I was up that early). As usual, my mind is racing with thoughts and when I can't seem to clear my head or heart enough, it's time for me to get up and try to cast all my worry on the Lord. I know that's what He wants, but nevertheless oh happy day for Him, right? Just kidding.

Today my mind isn't racing about work or any of my own "stuff" really. My heart is heavy for my Aunt and Uncle. My Uncle has been in the hospital for the last couple weeks dying with cancer. He is not an old man by any stretch of the imagination but he is dying nonetheless. My heart is heavy for his wife, my Aunt, who, when I visited yesterday, was putting on a very strong front, but let down her guard for just a brief moment, and I could hear her voice cracking from the sadness of the situation. My heart is heavy because he is dying, but more so because He is dying without Christ. He has always been so fun to be around -always willing to tell a joke or two (kind of like my dad - always has one in his back pocket just for the right occasion). He has always been a gentle person, a kind soul. His cancer has been aggressive and over the course of the last three weeks, he has become progressively worse. As I sat with my Aunt in the hospital, she uttered the words that I think we all would utter, "I just don't understand why this is happening". She's right - nobody understands why this is happening, why this is happening so quickly, and why this is happening to my Uncle. The only answer she gave was "I guess this is life". Life. It can be so amazingly wonderful and yet so amazing tragic all at the same time. Death is no respecter of persons. In an instant, our whole family's life has been changed by a disease that there is no cure for, that has no answers, that robs life so quickly. We have no answers. My heart is heavy that my Aunt will lose her partner in life. They have built such a life together, and inevitably this life they've built together will be cut short by this. My heart is heavy that he does not know the peace of Christ.

What strikes me about this whole situation is that it is again a reminder of two things. First, that life is unpredictable and short. It is but a vapor. I have no promise of tomorrow. I have the promise of this moment and the grace of God enough for this moment only. There is no promise of future grace - just grace to handle what is in my life today - at this moment. Life is short. Knowing that it is, why do I spend so much time on things that will never matter later on?

The second thing that I'm reminded of is that God is the giver and taker of life. His will and way is sovereign. I don't understand that. I have a relationship with Christ, but cannot answer the question of "why is this happening". I can only know and trust that God is in control. He sees the entire road map of life and knows what lies ahead. He is perfect in His love, concern and care for me, and I can only trust in His sovereignty, that He is doing a work through this and other tragedies. I do not understand it. I cannot even pretend to understand this but I know that He sits on the throne, full of grace, full of mercy and understanding. His will and ways are not mine - they are His and they are sovereign. It is a reminder, also that He does not justify tragedies, but redeems them for His glory. We cannot see this in the moment, and sometimes even for a long time, but He does not justify these tragedies, but does redeem them.

As I sit here and write this, with tears running down my face, the Lord has brought to my mind over and over again the Fernando Ortiz song "Give Me Jesus" and the verse that says When I come to die, and when I come to die, when I come to die, Give Me Jesus. Give me Jesus, Give me Jesus. You can have all this world, but give me Jesus. I know that when I come to that place in my life, I will be able to sing this song. My prayer today is for my Uncle that he may be able, soon, to sing this song too. My heart is heavy today - not for my own worries, but for my family, for my Aunt, for my cousins who will lose their father. I pray for comfort, peace and love to surround them, and that they would find Christ.