The Gentleness of God

I love that I can't sleep sometimes. Maybe I don't exactly "love" that I can't sleep, but it does afford me quiet time - and I love that. The early mornings are nice because I can sit down on my couch with a cup of coffee and my laptop, and I can take a deep breath before starting the day. Yesterday, I had a lot of time to take a deep breath. I woke up especially early. Apparently that was a divine act of God to prepare me for the day I had yesterday.

As I have written, there was a major project that I had been working on recently that blew up. Big time. I'm still dealing with the effects of that project. In the midst of the project, some noses got a little bent (including mine) about the way that the project went. One of those people was pretty high up in the proverbial food chain. Yesterday, that person kicked this project up to my Department Head. My Department Head is wonderful to work for. He's not my direct boss who is in between me and the Department Head, but I do work with him quite a bit. So, yesterday, this project got kicked up to him. I'm not worried that he will be upset with me about the project. I've done the best that I could under the circumstances. That was a bit stressful for me, but it really did turn out okay - just stressful in the process.

In the middle of dealing with this project, my work phone rang. We have called ID, but the sometimes the numbers are blocked. Because of the nature of the business I'm in, it's not uncommon for numbers to be blocked. So, I picked up the phone, answered in my usual way. The voice on the other end was a familiar but unwelcomed voice. It was the voice of a man that I had dated about 13 years ago. Our relationship was a 2 year volatile and crazy making event. I say that really admitting that I also contributed to it being that way. He wasn't saved (and at the time, which I realized later, neither was I). I tried everything I could to convince him and others that he was, and it was okay to keep dating (because people thought I had a relationship with Christ). That just made matters worse. He drank. He drank all the time. When he was drunk, he would do crazy things. We dated and broke up probably 6 times before he became violent and I had to take out a restraining order to keep him away. Again, I accept that there were things that I did to contribute to this back and forth relationship. When he finally left the area that I lived in, I was very happy. From time to time he calls, and I usually refuse his calls. Yesterday, I had no opportunity to refuse the call. There I was-on the phone with him. I started to say my speech that I have prepared for the occasions that he does call. He interrupted me to tell me that he wanted nothing except to tell me that he was working through the steps of AA and he was at the point where he had to make amends. Make amends? I'm familiar with the steps of AA (no, I was never an alcoholic - really. I'm not in denial. I never was one - just familiar with the program). I know what step this is and what it's about. 13 years later, my heart still is not willing to make amends to this relationship. I've brought it to closure and forgiven, but making amends seemed a little deep for me, especially in the midst of the day I was having. Besides, this isn't the first time he's attempted the "I'm making amends" story with me. It wasn't a long call. Lots of questions whirled around in my head and I found myself speechless. All I could say was "ok" and "is there anything else you'd like to say?". He said no, and I said, "okay. good bye, then".

As I hung up the phone and took another deep breath, I thought about the relationship (very fleeting and quickly). More importantly I thought about where I've come since then. What is amazing to me is that God has protected me throughout my life. That relationship had the potential of being extremely dangerous for me. God saved me in a night of clarity from continuing to make the same mistakes. I thought about that song about God being the protector and lifter of my head. There are so many instances when God is the lifter of my head. In other words, there are so many times when God picks me up when I've fallen. His gentleness through the process is awesome.

Isn't it amazing to think about the ways that God does lift us up? There are times that He lifts us up and we don't even know it at the time. For me, regarding this relationship, I used to chalk my strength to get out of it up to my "moment of clarity". I had no moment of clarity. I had a moment when, even without having a perfect relationship with God, He whispered the clarity to me - gently. I know that there is the wrath and judgment side of God, but what I've experienced is the gentleness of God.

In the midst of my trials and failures, God has never put me on a shelf. When I was little, I remember hearing sermons in which preachers would say that if you don't follow God's will, then He will basically get "tired" of you and put you on a shelf and move on to someone else. I'm not kidding. Preachers really did say that. The reality is that this is not the truth. Talk truth. Truth is that God said He never leaves nor forsakes. He may not like the path I've chosen or the path that I'm on, but He is walking beside me. He gently waits (and sometimes nudges) for me to make the choice to turn around and go down a different path. I don't buy in to the belief that there are paths that God can't walk with us. If I have the Holy Spirit in my life because I'm a child of the King, then God walks where I walk - even if it's not the path He would have me walk down. The flip side is that there is great peace and comfort in knowing that I'm on the path He has chosen for me - not the one I've chosen for myself.

Yesterday. It's over. I'm looking forward to today. I've taken a deep breath and now I'm ready to take on the responsibilities of the day. Not without God. Not without knowing that He walks the path with me. It's comforting and reassuring.