Convergence of My Path

I have had a bit of writer's block the last several days. Thoughts have been whirling in my head like a tornado, but to bring them to some semblance seems like a daunting task. I feel as though God has taken me through the fire of my faith over the last several weeks, and I'm a little spiritually tired from it. I've been renewed by the answers He has given me, but feel at a crossroads. He has led me to the answers, but I feel in my spirit that I'm asking the question, "now what?". Where do I go from here? My fear is that I've come to this crossroads only to feel like I'm sitting on a bench waiting for the next train to come by, and it is carrying the answer for me. This is a product of my own impatience. God's timing is perfect; my impatience shows through in times like this. I don't believe that I'm having a faith crisis, but I do believe that I'm cresting the hill of something great, and I'm anxious to get to the top. In a way, I'm worried that I'll be disappointed - the anticipation and build up - but I'm impatient and want to get there quickly. The ever controlling, never ending planner in me wants this (the answers to my questions) planned out and organized like a big event. I believe that God has somewhat different timing for me.

I've had some time to contemplate while I've been cleaning my house. Hallelujah. I no longer live in trailer park squalor anymore. I've come out of the 315 area code and back into suburbia. (my apologies to those who live in trailer parks and the 315 area code - no harm intended). During this time of contemplation, I have had some fabulous conversations with God. I love that we can approach God as our best friend. Just like a regular conversation over coffee - although I always have pictured God as more of a chai drinker than coffee. Seems kind of healthier and more exotic. I am sure the people around me think that I need to be committed because I find myself, at times, asking questions out loud like God is sitting on the floor next to me. In a way, I think He probably is. I've been able to talk to God about some of things that have been on my heart, and in particular my weaknesses. Believe me, I have many (just ask my parents - they will be willing to share them with you if you need to know). I'm not good at admitting that I have weaknesses. I want to be perfect. I want to do things perfectly; I want to know how to do things perfectly; and I don't like to make mistakes. I feel as though mistakes are weaknesses and I don't want to be weak. I want to be strong. I want to be right and be able to do it all. Arrogance; pride. Yep. I have both. It's just honesty. I am a perfectionist and want nothing more than to say that I have no weaknesses. The real truth that I can speak to myself is that I have weaknesses. I am a failure at times. It is my humanity. I can't be perfect and won't be perfect until I reach heaven and am changed forever. Here, I have weaknesses. So does everyone else. Why do we pretend and go to such great lengths to hide our weaknesses? Not only do I try to hide my weaknesses, I look for the weaknesses in others. Deep down it's what makes me feel better about myself. The problem is that God asks me not to look on the weaknesses of others, but to understand that I have weaknesses and that those weaknesses do not keep from His grace. Hebrews 4:15 - Thank you, God, that this verse is in the Bible. It's clear to me. "For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses . . ." and then, verse 16 - "let us approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need". My weaknesses do not keep me from His mercy and grace. In fact, I believe that my weaknesses (our weaknesses) bring me closer to God. This is not a justification to stay mired in my weaknesses, but provides me the opportunity to come to God in spite of them.

So, waiting is the game at this point. I have been studying about the love of God and what that means to me personally - not the love of God to the universe. That's not personal enough for me. I believe that my quest for answers to my latest faith questions lies in being able to understand that concept in my heart - not just my scripture filled head. Woo hoo. I have scriptures up the yin-yang in my head, but they do no good unless I can apply them personally. This is where I'm at. Disappointing to some, I know. It's good to know that I believe one thing for sure. God will meet me on my path - wherever that path is headed. I don't believe that all paths lead to God, but I certainly believe that God will come down any path to find us, and to find me personally. I'm on this path and it's filled with my weaknesses and doubt. The good news - He will meet me here. That's what's true about my Abba Papa. Of this, I am very sure.