Mind Racer

I must be back in my insomnia stage. It's 3:55 am and I have been up for about 25 minutes. It's funny how even when I'm sleeping, I think my mind is racing. I woke up at 3:30 am and felt like my mind had its running shoes on. Thoughts raced through my head. I tried to roll over and go back to sleep, but that wasn't happening, so I've decided to get up and see what I can find in my reading that might calm the racing thoughts.

Interestingly, God has a sense of humor. I am in the book of Ecclesiastes - just started it really. This morning I have read the first chapter and was moving on to the second chapter. Got through most of that and I came across this verse in chapter 2 verse 23 "All his days his work is pain and grief; even at night his mind does not rest. This too is meaningless". God is funny. Even in the book of Ecclesiastes, I can find something that totally describes me - even at night, my mind does not rest. Today is no exception. I'm not sure why my mind races like this, but it has ever since I was a little kid. I would wake up early sometimes when I was little and just lay there thinking about things in my life. Pondering, as much as I could as a little kid, about the things that were happening around me, to me, for me. Analyzing and over analyzing everything. I think the key word there is over analyzing. I over analyze almost everything. Analyze it to death, probably. I think this is why my mind races. It is almost like a faucet that I can't shut off. I think about things until I am so tired that I can't think anymore. Just like Solomon wrote - even at night my mind does not rest, and well, it is kind of meaningless. Over analyzing decisions or circumstances does not change them - even as much as I want them to. I cannot change the circumstances that have come about because of decisions I have made - both good and bad. The decisions are made, and these are the consequences. No amount of over analyzing changes that.

Our Pastor spoke on this very subject on Sunday. He spoke about choices and that making good choices benefits you in the long run. On the opposite side, bad choices have consequences for the long run too. Even now, I live with the consequences of decisions I made a long time ago. Some were very good choices. I made the choice to pursue my Master's degree in Public Administration. I worked hard and completed my degree. Now I get to use my degree in my job. Some days, maybe a Master's degree is a stretch for the job I do - I might be more qualified if I took the Red Cross babysitting certification classes. That's what it feels like sometimes - I babysit adults who should be able to do their jobs properly but choose not to (I feel a tangent coming on, so I will just move on from this). Getting my Master's was a good decision, and I'm glad I did it. I made other good decisions. What is interesting to me, though, is that sometimes you can make the absolute right decision and suffer negative consequences.

I have also made some choices that now I live with the consequences. I made bad choices in my early 20's. Some of those choices were life altering and I believe sent me on a path that maybe I was never intended to go on. At the same time, I live with the consequences of choices others have made that have had a profound effect on my life - both good and bad. It's easy to be thankful to God for the choices others have made that have affected me in a positive way. It's not so easy to thank God for the storms that have come because of the bad choices people have made that affected me. Thankfully, as Solomon writes in Ecclesiastes 3, he saw the burdens God laid on the hearts of men, and God will make all things beautiful in His time. I believe that. I believe that God makes all things beautiful. The key phrase, though, is "IN HIS TIME". That takes patience. That takes trust that He will do what He says.

This morning, my mind is racing about just that very thing - being thankful for the choices others have made that have had a profound effect on my life. Not the good choices, but the bad. Those choices that were out of my control. The choices others made when I was not quite old enough to know that they would have such a profound effect on me. It's easy to thank God for the good choices. Not so easy to say thank you to Him for what I've learned through the bad choices. He doesn't promise easy - He does promise beautiful, though, if I allow Him to work. If I try to weave it myself and be in control, it is a hot mess. God does make things beautiful. Continuing in Ecclesiastes - chapter 7:13 - "Consider what God has done: Who can straighten what he has made crooked?" Sometimes the choices others make cause our lives to look crooked. Through the trials, it seems like we are weaving a crooked path. It's funny to think about how God sees that. I think Solomon was trying to say that in this verse. Don't try to straighten out things that God has made crooked. He made them crooked for a reason. Our trials and circumstances sometimes take us on this winding path, but God has a purpose for the curves. My admonishment is to stop trying to straighten what God has made crooked in my life. Understand that He has a purpose. Maybe that thought will allow my mind to stop racing. One could only hope because sleep really is an important thing.

There you have it. Ramblings of a racing mind. Good thing I'm in the book of Ecclesiastes. It's an easy read for a racing mind.