Sometimes my Christian walk is disappointing. It's disappointing to me mostly and probably to some other people. I have been frustrated recently by the quality of my relationship with Christ. I'm always disappointed by the quantity. I never seem to get the right amount of time spent with God during the week. There are definite times when the quantity of time I've spent with God directly impacts the quality of my relationship with Him. These past few weeks, however, it's not about quantity. It really is about quality. I feel that there are some tremendous things lacking in my relationship with Christ, and that there are things in my heart that are hindering that full, complete and quality relationship with Him.

From time to time I have written about my struggle with two main things - (1) that I don't always believe that God loves me; and (2) the enemy uses shame to keep me beaten down. I believe if I'm being honest that I need to add a third struggle - Anger. I have been deeply praying about the quality of my relationship with God, and I believe that I have some unresolved anger that needs to be taken care of. I try to be as honest as I can be on this blog. In keeping in that vein, I would have to admit that I am angry with God right now. I have been trying to address some deep hurts in my life to move past them, and in the process of addressing them, I had to admit that I am angry with God that some of these things happened. That He allowed them to happen. It is easy for me to tell other people how to get past this in their lives. Isn't that how it always is? I can quote the Scripture to them about God and His magnificent purposes, but applying it to my own life is a different story.

I know that my anger is not correctly directed towards God. I get that. I don't believe that God orchestrates pain or hurt. I don't believe that He plans it either. But it is often hard for me to reconcile His omniscience and Creator characteristics with understanding that He allows us, as humans, to make decisions that negatively impact other people's lives. It is part of the "free will" concept. Don't you ever wish that God would be a little more careful in who He doles out free will to? No, seriously. I don't think I'm alone in this thought. Has it never crossed your mind that it would be really nice if God said, "Nope. You're too evil and mean. No free will for you today"? and..."You've been extra specially nice. Tons of free will for you". I kind of look at it like parenting (which I obviously have no experience in!). My parents gave me more free will when I did what they wanted me to do - I could make my own choices. If I didn't exercise good judgment, though, you can bet that they limited my free will. I wonder sometimes why God can't be like that. I know the theological answer to that. It's not His nature. It's the "how it impacts my life" part that I don't get sometimes. Maybe I do get it, but it's hard for me to swallow the answer.

So I sit with my anger. Actually, I punch the crap out of a boxing bag at a local gym when I feel really angry (better than beating up any stranger on the street, right?). I know that it is not spiritually politically correct to say that you are angry with God. I think it's how people feel sometimes. I know that I have felt angry towards Him. I feel okay with telling Him that I'm angry with Him. Sacrilegious? Not sure. Truth in my deepest humanity? Definitely. I wish that God could pretend parts of my life were a dry erase board and erase the hurt and pain. I think any Christian struggling with something in their life would wish the same. I sometimes wonder how He justifies evil in this world. The answer, I know, is that He is not justifying it, but He is redeeming it. Isn't that what He did at the cross? Redeemed the evil in this world.

I know that sounds a little like rambling. That's not unusual for me sometimes. It's my struggle, though. I wouldn't say that I'm quite in a valley, but I keep coming up to this wall in my spiritual journey. I want to be able to scale past this wall. I want to understand how I can walk better with Him. These three things, however, I recognize, acknowledge and admit are a hindrance. We all have hindrances in our walk. Hindrances are not a problem. We will have them from time to time. It's when we are not willing to work on them and get past them that our walk with Christ will suffer damage. I'm willing to work on these. I'm prayerfully and deeply committed to getting past these. I'm just stuck. Stuck in the quagmire of my emotional journey. I know the trite Christian responses - "Read the word"; "Fast and pray". I'm doing those things. I'm just stuck. Not permanently. Stuck for now.

It's a good thing that the God of me is a God of patience. He would have given up on me a long time ago if He didn't have the patience of....well, God.