Disappointment

Ah. Bright and early on a Saturday morning. Ok. I live in western, NY, perhaps I have over exaggerated by using the word "bright". It's 6:30 am and it's actually cloudy, muggy, but a nice quiet morning. I have had the house to myself for several days, and I have to say that although it does get lonely at times, I have loved the peace and quiet. It's been a needed change particularly given the week that I've had at work.

I'm an overachieving perfectionist when it comes to my work. I am a director with a huge amount of responsibility in a very visible position in a somewhat controversial type of setting in a human services. By controversial I certainly don't mean sinful. I just mean that people have some very strong opinions about certain aspects of human service and feeling like we're giving away the "storefront" if you will. I won't go there this morning. Too early. Occasionally, the responsibility is overwhelming. I think, sometimes, that I've been given a job that I'm so not qualified to do. It's not the truth, but when I've had bad days or bad weeks (like this one), I do feel as though I am in over my head. My bosses have never given me that indication, so I have to think that the feeling of unqualified is really just a product of my own insecurity.

This week was bad. I have worked on a project for over a year. It's a multimillion dollar project. I've been the main interface with a major corporation to try to work out a solution. This week that project blew up. I truly mean "blew up". The corporation is in the process of being taken over and back pedaled on their commitment to my project. Not good news. I spent the majority of the week trying to settle and redirect. By Friday, I was exhausted; my counterpart at the corporation was exhausted; and we were frustrated with each other even though the fact of the matter is we couldn't control what happened but we are left to pick up the pieces.

To say that I was a little disappointed really is an understatement. I was hopelessly disappointed. I had spent hours in meetings over the last 12 months working and being the interface. I have spent countless days and months at work pulling a team together to get this off the ground. At times, I had to fight for what I needed because I don't always get it in my job environment. Sometimes I had to be pushy (and let me tell you how big that goes over). In the end, though, my feeling was that of disappointment.

Disappointment is something that I think we are supposed to learn how to deal with as children. The disappointments I faced as a child seemed so big at the time. When I was disappointed as a kid, I remember I would just get on my bike and ride away from people and cry. I would ride around the block over and over again until my crying was done. I'm 37 now. I'm not sure that riding my bike around the block and crying would help the feeling. Of course, now I can drive . . . hmmm that gives me an idea. Oh wait. Crying and driving - not a good plan. I didn't cry about my project, and I don't think that I have plans to cry. I might be in a little bit of shock that it actually came to its end so abruptly. The interesting thing for me is the question of how do I deal with disappointment as an adult. Is it something I just "suck up" and deal with? The reality is that life is going to bring disappointment. I just don't think, in all honesty, that we ever expect that. I think that my expectation, if I were being honest, is that I will live happily ever after with no disappointments. It's unrealistic, I know - I'm not quite the Pollyanna that this statement evokes.

I think when we learn to deal with disappointment, we learn to fully rely on God. By that I really mean that when disappointment comes, I think the way to deal with it is to rely that God is who He says He is and this was meant to happen the way it did. Perhaps this is just denial talking. Denial that my project of 12 months really did blow up. Denial that basically the project is a failure . . . perhaps that is really my disappointment. That something I have worked on actually failed in the end. Please hold while I choke on that thought being the overachieving perfectionist that I am with my work. It's a tremendous reminder that I'm human even though there are times when I don't want to be. I'd rather be superhuman.

We'll see what the next week brings as this project unfolds. Perhaps it's salvageable by someone in higher power than I. Right now, though, I have to somehow come to grips with the reality that I am disappointed by the failure, and that doesn't sit well in my soul and spirit. My trust in the Lord is that this will become what He wants it to become. In the meantime, He will continue to do His work on me. Thank goodness I don't serve a God who puts people on the shelf when they don't learn things....I would have been put there a long time ago. Ever loving; ever patient.