It's early on Wednesday morning. I have just finished reading a blog on one of my dear friends' site. In her blog she talks about the question "Where is God in all of this mess". Usually I would make my comments about the blog right on her site, but I had too much to say in response to her blog.

Her blog talks about God's response to Job when he was going through his trials. In Job 38, God reprimands Job and tells him to basically (in my own words, of course) "buck up, cowboy. I've prepared this journey for you. Take it like a man, stop your whining and remember I'm in control. Were you around when the earth was created? I didn't think so. Do you provide for the birds? Oh yeah, that's right - you don't. I do that.". Hard pill to swallow for Job. It's a hard pill for me to swallow. My dear friend was surprised by God's response, and I can't say that I blame her. After re-reading parts of Job this morning to get a grasp of what is going on, I am a little surprised as well. If you read my blog and are a small part of my spiritual journey, you probably understand by now that I tend to swing to the far right on God's grace and mercy - ever merciful, ever graceful. So, it's hard for me to understand that same question about "where is God in all this mess". I want answers when I'm struggling to understand God's workings in my life. I want to be emotional about the trials and struggles. I don't want to "buck up" and leave it to God. That takes courage. That takes trust. That takes faith. Faith and trust are two hard concepts for me. I have had trust broken. I have had it broken in tremendous ways. Trust is not easy. That's where I fall short in the "bucking up" and letting God take control. Long and short of it, if I'm being honest, I don't trust even God sometimes to take control of things and make them come out the way I want them to. Maybe that's the point - it's not always about what I want in the end.

I think Job had tremendous trust in God. I think that's why Job could respond so well after God's reprimand to be a good soldier (which, by the way, Job doesn't even get to respond until chapter 40 and the only thing he says is, "Ok. I'm unworthy. I'll shut up now". Then, God continues the reprimand into chapter 41- that's three chapters of reprimand. Ouch.) Guess God is serious about this "bucking up" thing.

Sometimes I don't want to be a good soldier in the battle. I know it's the right thing to do, but it's a struggle to lay aside the emotions and be a good soldier. I want to be a Princess in the Kingdom. I want to be taken care of and swept up in God's lap when I'm going through a trial...and, oh, by the way, ask all the questions and want the answers. I probably can border on whining when I'm in the midst of the trial. But....my friend is right. God calls me to be a good soldier. That means being a good follower, not just a good leader. That means being able to trust Him implicitly with the things in my life. In the end, the real truth is that I have no control (recurring theme, I know - yawn).

I guess my response to the post - you're right. God does expect us to be a good soldier. God is in control, and who are we, in our humanity, to question so deeply what He knows so well - How to take care of things. My response to God through this has to be the same as Job's at the end of chapter 42 - "I know you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted. You asked, 'who is this that obscures my counsel without knowledge?' Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know. You said, 'Listen now, and I will speak; I will question you, and you will answer me'. My ears have heard you but now my eyes have seen you. Therefore, I despise myself and repent in dust and ashes." It's early in the morning for a reminder like this. It's sobering. I don't like it. Just being honest. I don't have to like it. I just have to be obedient.

Phew. Such a wake up call to me. Someday, maybe, I will be able to get beyond my besetting need to be in control all the time and understand this concept at the heart level - not just the head level. To my dear friend who posted this and posed this question to the group . . . Thank you for that sobering reminder that God is in control and we are called to be the followers, the soldiers, the trusters.