Romans 12

I'm up way too early this morning. It's only 5 am, and I really can't sleep anymore. Sometimes that happens to me. My body is tired, but my mind is a whirlwind with thoughts. That seems to be the case today. I've been deep in thought lately about who I really am on the inside and how that is reflected on the outside. I'm not quite sure what started this series of thoughts, but it's been something kind of weighing on my mind.

When I was a little girl, maybe about age 9 or 10, I thought I accepted Christ. I grew up for most of my life in a Christian home; attended a Christian school; was very active in a great Bible church; went to a Christian college; had great Christian friends. I did and said all of the right things. I thought I knew who Christ was. Then I graduated from college and began seriously dating. I dated a guy named Marc. Marc was not a Christian. In fact, Marc was of the Jewish faith. Born and bred in New York City. We dated for about a year and then he broke up with me because he didn't feel I would ever convert to Judaism. He was right. My heart was broken, but I knew it wasn't a right relationship.

I had a life changing event just before meeting the next guy. I am not using that as an excuse, just to set my frame of mind during this time. I was at a very low point and met a guy named Kevin. Kevin, again, was not a Christian. We met at work. I was completely smitten with him. He was charming, loving, giving, and all of the things that I thought I would want in a man. Turns out, 4 years later, that he was a secret alcoholic and drug addict. The 4 years that we dated were rough for me. I questioned my faith a lot and questioned who I was in Christ. I made decisions during those years that I was surprised that I could make thinking I had the Holy Spirit indwelling in me.

It wasn't until I broke up with Kevin that I believe God stirred incredibly in my heart. I was at a very low point after my break up with Kevin, and my very dear friend Cathy asked me to go to Word of Life for a singles retreat. I reluctantly agreed to go. The speaker that weekend was a man named Marc and he was from Texas. His words spoke deeply to me. On the last night I was there, he preached an incredible life and salvation message. I couldn't believe it, but I went forward and confessed that I had never accepted Christ. I knew all the right things in my heart, but I never had accepted Him as my own Savior. So, in October 1997, I finally accepted Christ as my Savior. I was 26 years old. It was a good 15 years after I said a quick prayer thinking that I was saved. I never meant it until that moment. It was a strange and amazing feeling.

Now, after 10 years of truly being His child, I am wondering if I'm come any further along. I know that I have grown closer to the Lord, but am I really living up to what He wants me to live up to be?

I have a passage of Scripture that I frequently use as a guide to kind of self judge where I'm at as far as how my life affects other people. Romans 12:9-21 says that love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality. Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited. Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Provide things honest in the site of all men. If it is possible, as far as you can, live peaceably with everyone. Do not take revenge. If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

I try to live by that passage every day. Sometimes I get to the place where I feel like I can't live up to that long list of things and I know I fail at some things (just plain fail). I'm completely human and need to accept that I'm not going to be perfect (Ok, there, I said it, I'm not perfect...but I do think that I am sometimes. Sad but true). Sometimes I am so up in my head on a particular day that I can only actually focus on attaining one of those things (and it's not usually the don't repay anyone evil for evil - particularly if I'm having a really bad day).

How am I affecting others? I can't believe that I've been entrusted with such a precious gift. 10 years and counting....how many lives? how many times have I passed someone by? We are called to be all of those things that are in Romans 12. How are we going? How am I doing? Today, I guess I will just focus on being His child and acting like it. It's a good place to start.