My Answer, Continued - Part 2

I am continuing to read the book by William P. Young called "The Shack". I am almost through the entire book, and it has had a profound effect on me. I often find myself reading the book and so engaged in the author's words that I start to cry. Sometimes it is as though Mr. Young himself knows my inner struggles about God and has written a book to give me guidance and answers in that struggle.

I've labeled this post "My Answer, Continued - Part 2". I've labeled it because I believe that this is a continuation of my post about unbelief. I feel that I am on the precipice of this struggle and have really spent time in prayer and thought about why I can't get past this. I want to live a deeply committed Christian life, but I feel that there is something that stands in my way. It is my trust of God. To some, this might seem like an easy task. It might be easy for some to say that they trust God because He is God. Nothing more. Nothing less. It's not that simple for me, and because I'm an ever analyzing "up in my head" type of girl, I feel like there's a part of me that has to figure this out. There's a part of me that believes that I will never have that deeply committed walk and commune with God until I resolve this issue. I've been truthful about the issue - I don't trust God. I don't trust that He will take care of me. I don't trust that He will do what He says He will do. That's where I'm at - plain and simple. I know that God is speaking to me in high volume about this. Recently I've had this topic brought up more than anything. Two very dear friends recommended this book to me, and after reading a good portion of it, I know why they said that I had to read this book.

In a chapter called "A Breakfast of Champions", the main character of the book is sitting down having breakfast and conversation with the three parts of the trinity. (Ok. Please don't try to have me committed. I understand fully that there is no way on this earth I would be able to sit down at breakfast with the Trinity - in the real physical sense. Just bear with me.) The character in the book representing the Holy Spirit is in deep conversation with Mack (main character). This part of the conversation struck me today as I read it. I will quote it with props to the author, William P. Young - "Mackenzie, you cannot produce trust like you cannot 'do' humility. It either is or it is not. Trust is the fruit of a relationship in which you know you are loved. Because you do not know that I love you, you cannot trust me". Answer. Part 2. I don't trust God because deep down, I don't really believe that He loves me. Trust comes from a relationship of love. If I don't believe that God loves me, then I will never trust Him the way I need to. This is not a comment on my self esteem. It's a comment on how I view the love of God and how I view myself in relation to His love. To be up in my head, I absolutely get that God sent His Son, willingly, to die for sinners. I get, up in my head, that God commends His love toward us. I get, up in my head, all of the Scriptures that say things like God so loved the world. What I don't get, deep down in my heart, is that this love is personal. That it is for me - personally. Ok. Maybe that was a comment on my self esteem.

If I'm being totally honest, I think that the answer to my unbelief question really boils down to being able to answer the question, "Do I really believe that God loves me?". Not just in my head, but in my heart. Trust, for me, was broken at such an early age, and love was entwined with power and anger. I don't dwell very much on my past experiences, but I believe that they have a profound effect on how I view my relationship with God. Isn't that part of our humanity? We bring to the "table" our past and use that to define our present relationship with God. That's what I've done. I've tried to attach my perception of trust and love to God and define it through what I know in my limited humanity. Trust of God will come when I can honestly answer the question of God's love with an emphatic "yes". Right now, I'm not sure that I can answer it that emphatically. However, I do believe that the struggle I have with trust really boils down to being able to answer that question.

It's so funny to me how our experiences in life play such a major role in how we view God. We have the Bible to tell us the truth about who He is, and yet, for me anyway, it is so much easier to rely on my experiences and try to retrofit God into my own human limitations. When I think about the struggles that I have, and the struggles that I see my friends having, it really does always come back to this. This author says it so beautifully when he writes, "You try to make sense of the world in which you live based on a very small and incomplete picture of reality". That's exactly what I've done. I've tried to make sense of my struggles based on my small and incomplete picture of my reality.

As I've written so very often, someday I will get this. I do believe that I will. Right now, though, this is my struggle. This is me laying it down in written words what I know I could never speak out loud. So much easier to write - almost anonymously. My God is faithful. I do believe that. I believe that He will bring this to closure for me because I believe that my next steps in living a complete life for Him hinge on the answer. That may sound dramatic to others, but to me, it sounds like my reality and my walk with God. More to read in my book. I know that there is something more for me from this book. Thank you, my dear friends, that recommended this book to me. You were right - it is exactly what I needed at this point in my life.